It's still hard, and the sadness still comes through quite a bit, but these days it feels unfair if we don't celebrate life. I feel like he would want us to be happy--of course he would. Somehow as we passed his first birthday, I have felt more at peace with my life as it is. There is nothing I can do to change it at this moment, and I still miss my son every day, but I feel his presence more with me...in a peaceful way instead of a sad way.
Last month, we took our first real family vacation, not only since we lost Christopher, but actually since we had Charlie. We truly disconnected from everything at home--all the routines, all the anxiety and emotions that surround us every day--plopped ourselves on a big ship in the Caribbean, and we reconnected with each other. What a joy it was to just be. There were no stresses, other than the occasional two year old meltdown. We had an opportunity to truly have fun with each other, and there were occasional quiet moments when we wished Christopher could be there with us, but I now feel like he is with us all the time and that reminds me that our family is as whole as it can be. That is not a resignation, but a step forward in being at peace with what my life is. And being at peace with my life is how I feel I can honor Christopher.
I have really felt him with me lately, and that really brings me joy. While we still haven't gotten around to doing the "things" I wanted to do to keep his presence in our family--like a photo collage, a scrapbook--other things have organically happened and they bring a more spiritual presence to our home. That's more valuable and fulfilling than any project I could ever dream of. And I suspect he will somehow guide my life in a way I can always honor him and all of my children. Because for a while, my life was about all that I lost. Now I see that it is about all that I have.
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