The lessons my son has taught me

No one who has ever lost a child would choose this path, had they been given the choice. No one who has lost could imagine how they would change so dramatically as a result of losing a child. I still think back to the days before I lost Christopher--my naivete about life and my unawareness of the immeasurable value of being blessed in so many ways. I think back to those early days of shock after losing him and how I wanted it to make me change for the better. I think I am on my way, but it all takes time. I can, though, look at the ways I have changed and hope that I am honoring both of my sons in the way I am moving through life. There truly are countless ways I have changed--I feel like an entirely different person--but there are the ones that stand out to me.

1. You'll grow as a person in ways you never imagined. You may look back at who you were before and recognize how much more appreciation for life you have now.

2. You will see more good in others than you ever dreamed possible.

3. Many of those you expected to be there for you will step up to the plate, and then some. People you barely knew or never knew will be there to hold your hand through the difficult times.

4. Some people you thought would be there for you, will not be. You may find yourself confused at the complete indifference those who you thought would care might show you.

5. Some people don't know what to say, and that's completely fine. You realize that a simple acknowledgement--even saying "how are you doing?" or "I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you"--will mean so much.

6. You will learn to let people do things for you and learn the true meaning of gratitude.

7. Life is unfair. Maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe they don't. Any way the cards fall, you can't do anything to change what has already happened. You'll find peace in learning to let yourself simply experience your feelings, then learning how those feelings can make you a better person.

8. Your heart will implode with grief one day and explode with gratitude for all the love around you the next day.

9. Time will play tricks on you. A year will feel like an eternity, yet it will feel like just yesterday you were immersed in the darkest days right after losing your child.

10. The moment you feel like you have your bearings, your feet back on the ground, something sets you off again--a song, a picture, a flower or gentle breeze that makes you feel your child is with you.

11. You may think you are being selfish, wanting people to acknowledge your child and wanting to talk about it. You are not. It's a balancing act to want to be a "normal" person again, and being a grieving parent.

12. Whether you lost one child or many, your first or your last, you are still a mother or father to that child. Whether they took a breath outside your womb or not, that child was real and still is. It is a challenge to find ways to incorporate a child who passed away into your family life and whatever you do, however it feels right, you're doing the best you can and no one can ask anymore of you.