Giving Thanks

There is something I've been wanting to do since the early days after we lost Christopher. I just haven't been able to find the right words to reach out to all those who touched our lives and who helped carry us through our most difficult time, just to simply say thank you. So I've been putting it off until I could find the right words. You'd think those two words would carry the message, but when your heart is broken and your soul is devastated and there are times you wonder how you'll possibly put one foot in front of the other to get through to the next day...when people care enough to lift you up and carry you through, thank you is just not enough.

In the days between Christopher's birth and death, there were doctors and nurses who cried with us and helped us gently realize that the worst was happening. Doctors I had seen for over ten years now sat in a hospital room, hugging us and crying with us, even calling at home in the days and weeks afterward to see how we were doing and to patiently answer the questions we had asked so many times already. Nurses I had never met before cared for us so lovingly and did everything in their power to give us what they could to make us comfortable. Some reached out more than that and let us know on a personal level that their hearts were breaking for us. NICU doctors and nurses gave special one-on-one care to Christopher and tenderly helped us take him from the bassinet so we could hold him. They helped us arrange a special photo shoot for him before he passed, they helped us take his foot and handprints with paint so we could hang it at home with the Charlie's, they lovingly bathed him after he had passed and they helped us let him know he was our son and we love him very much.

Family members reached out. My brother, who lives on the other side of the country and who I get to see so rarely, flew out immediately to spend the week with us. Grandparents and extended family sent lovely words of support. My mom, who deals with health issues of her own, took care of Charlie with my dad and made it so that we didn't have to worry about anything while we were in the hospital. So much selflessness and love. Sometimes you forget that you are worthy of receiving it.

Close friends, old friends, distant friends and strangers reached out. Former colleagues arranged for meal delivery for a few weeks--an absolute lifesaver. Friends who had experienced similar losses and were all too familiar with the unimaginable heartbreak told me their stories and by doing so, helped me realize that there will be happiness again--healing first, and then joy will ease back into my life. Friends of friends and total strangers sent me emails and messages and let me know that they too had been through it. Hearing their journey, telling us that grieving is hard, exhausting and necessary, telling me ways they include their child in their family...all of those are comforting in so many ways. Other friends have reached out to me, telling me how much our story has changed their life, how they stopped taking so much for granted and how much they now realize that they are truly blessed with all they have. Those are the stories that make me feel that somehow, Christopher's passing was not completely in vain and that this beautiful boy who lived only three days has touched many lives over many miles.

There are the amazing people who took time out of their day to send off a balloon and message  to Christopher on the day we had his life celebration. It was just overwhelming to see just how many people cared and wanted to participate. The messages were beautiful and tearful, and the pictures everyone shared with us were amazing. I plan to create a memory book for Christopher and there will be pages and pages of these pictures and messages. I know that sweet little boy was reveling in all the love. I can just imagine how his face might have lit up, seeing all those balloons!

How can I adequately thank those who reached out and relived their own heartbreak, or those who simply opened their hearts and cried with us, sharing some of this terrible burden? How can I thank the doctors who saved me and the nurses who went above and beyond to care for us? How do I thank the doctors who cared for my son and tried all they could to stop the damage? During this horribly devastating time, I find myself at the lowest of lows--never in my life have I felt such pain, confusion and helplessness. But, never in my life have I been surrounded by people who will give, support and love so generously and selflessly. I know the road ahead is a long one and my heart will always break for the loss of Christopher's life, but it is also healed by every single person who, in some way, has reached out to us.

When your soul is shattered into a million pieces, and when someone takes the time to help you find a piece and put it back in its place, saying thank you is not enough. I just can't find the words to express my gratitude but I promise you that my broken heart is screaming and crying those words of gratitude through the healing scars.

A Day to Celebrate



Just over two weeks ago, we had Christopher's celebration of life. It was beautiful, peaceful and just about as perfect as we could have hoped. We smiled and cried. We spent time and shed tears with friends and family, and honored the little boy our hearts ache for every day. Though his life was so short, it felt right to have a tribute to him and share our words of love, sadness and hope with everyone who came. And while the celebration offered me a sense of peace, I don't yet know if I can say I feel any closure. I definitely don't feel any less sad...perhaps just more aware that all of this is real and not some terrible dream. The thought of his little body shutting down and the complete injustice that his life ended too soon still crosses my mind unexpectedly and makes me shudder. There are some days when not even the intense, uncontrollable sobbing can purge all the pain. There are always and will always be remnants of it left behind. No amount of therapy, tears or medication will completely heal this kind of broken heart. Not even time will do it. My hope is just that it will get a little easier.

We have fortunately been surrounded by amazing, supportive people since Christopher passed, and their love has kept us afloat. I have been touched by the stories of perfect strangers who have reached out to me. People I knew as distant acquaintances have become closer and have lifted us up. I have also been a part of an amazing mom's group that went above and beyond with their love, prayers, support and humor. As I sat drowning in my grief, a wonderful group of people sent out the lifeboat to let my family and I know that we were not alone, that they are here for us. While many of them simply cannot understand the depth of our grief, their support has shown no limits and I am absolutely blown away by how much people put their hearts out to others. Some of these people have shown me what it means to be giving and generous.

I have also been blown away by how much our tragedy has touched the lives of others. One of the many amazing mothers in my mom's group asked me if she could release a balloon for Christopher on the day of his life celebration. Since she lived across the country, this was a way for her to be a part of the celebration and send love up to Christopher. I responded eagerly to her that it was a wonderful idea and it quickly snowballed into what was probably over 100 balloons released for Christopher that day. Other mothers in the group, out of state friends, friends of Darrell's and family that couldn't attend all sent off balloons...even a few out of the country! I have yet to put all the photos together, but there are some beautiful ones...and even some videos that brought me to tears.

 

 



 

 





I send endless gratitude to everyone who released a balloon for Christopher. You have no idea how much this has meant to Darrell and I. It goes beyond words that people care so much for us and our family. In the midst of questioning why we were so unlucky to have this tragedy in our lives, I also find myself asking why we are so lucky to be blessed by so many amazing people in our lives.

Christopher would have been two months old today. While I have so much to be thankful for, it's so hard to go about my days and weeks without thinking of what is missing. I can't say with any certainty if that will ever change, but I do feel in my heart that Christopher knows how much we love and miss him, and he has inspired so much love and touched so many lives all over the country--it's just amazing. I can't help but feel that even though he can't be with us, he is one very special little boy.

I love you, Little Man. I think of your sweet face constantly.