Dear Christopher...

Dear Christopher,

Yesterday you would have been three months old. I watched the clock all day. Around 7:00pm, I was thinking that was about the time I started feeling the horrible pain of the rupture. At 7:40pm, I thought of you being born, me being unconscious on the operating table, not knowing that my world was falling apart around me. I was thinking that it would be several hours later when I would wake up in recovery and see Grandma--Daddy was at the children's hospital with you. I remember that the only words I could get out were "the baby?" I had no idea the severity of what had happened to us both.

I keep wondering what you would be doing as a three month old. I know we would be enjoying your smiles and laughter. Perhaps you would be a better breastfeeder than your brother was and I would still be enjoying that close bond between us. Maybe you would be trying to sit up like Charlie had at that age. I know your brother would be madly in love with you by now, long since forgetting that he was the center of attention until a few months ago. We would have taken you to the pumpkin patch last weekend and we would be thinking of how to dress you for Halloween. We would be thinking of what to get you for your first Christmas and how in the world we would travel to see family with two boys.

My mind has been with you so much lately, even though there has been so much else going on. I talk to you all the time--I don't know if you hear me. That sounds silly, I know. I just still want to be your mother, but I guess I'll have to learn how to do that differently than I would have expected. I am finally pulling out the handprints and footprints Daddy and I got at the hospital--your footprint is perfect and your handprint is beautifully smudged all over--and will hang them on the wall with Charlie's, Daddy's and mine. You are eternally a part of our family and I want to find ways to make you a part of the things we do.

I miss you so much, Christopher. I wish I could hold you in my arms and see the little boy you'd be growing into day by day. I wish I could be one of the moms complaining about how crazy her day is and how she doesn't know how she deals with two boys. Trust me, your brother keeps me busy, but there's an emptiness where you're supposed to be. I hope that some day we are able to bring more children into our home, and I hope that you will be with us, watching over us.

I love you so much and will always do my best to honor your sweet spirit.

Love,
Mommy