A Day to Celebrate



Just over two weeks ago, we had Christopher's celebration of life. It was beautiful, peaceful and just about as perfect as we could have hoped. We smiled and cried. We spent time and shed tears with friends and family, and honored the little boy our hearts ache for every day. Though his life was so short, it felt right to have a tribute to him and share our words of love, sadness and hope with everyone who came. And while the celebration offered me a sense of peace, I don't yet know if I can say I feel any closure. I definitely don't feel any less sad...perhaps just more aware that all of this is real and not some terrible dream. The thought of his little body shutting down and the complete injustice that his life ended too soon still crosses my mind unexpectedly and makes me shudder. There are some days when not even the intense, uncontrollable sobbing can purge all the pain. There are always and will always be remnants of it left behind. No amount of therapy, tears or medication will completely heal this kind of broken heart. Not even time will do it. My hope is just that it will get a little easier.

We have fortunately been surrounded by amazing, supportive people since Christopher passed, and their love has kept us afloat. I have been touched by the stories of perfect strangers who have reached out to me. People I knew as distant acquaintances have become closer and have lifted us up. I have also been a part of an amazing mom's group that went above and beyond with their love, prayers, support and humor. As I sat drowning in my grief, a wonderful group of people sent out the lifeboat to let my family and I know that we were not alone, that they are here for us. While many of them simply cannot understand the depth of our grief, their support has shown no limits and I am absolutely blown away by how much people put their hearts out to others. Some of these people have shown me what it means to be giving and generous.

I have also been blown away by how much our tragedy has touched the lives of others. One of the many amazing mothers in my mom's group asked me if she could release a balloon for Christopher on the day of his life celebration. Since she lived across the country, this was a way for her to be a part of the celebration and send love up to Christopher. I responded eagerly to her that it was a wonderful idea and it quickly snowballed into what was probably over 100 balloons released for Christopher that day. Other mothers in the group, out of state friends, friends of Darrell's and family that couldn't attend all sent off balloons...even a few out of the country! I have yet to put all the photos together, but there are some beautiful ones...and even some videos that brought me to tears.

 

 



 

 





I send endless gratitude to everyone who released a balloon for Christopher. You have no idea how much this has meant to Darrell and I. It goes beyond words that people care so much for us and our family. In the midst of questioning why we were so unlucky to have this tragedy in our lives, I also find myself asking why we are so lucky to be blessed by so many amazing people in our lives.

Christopher would have been two months old today. While I have so much to be thankful for, it's so hard to go about my days and weeks without thinking of what is missing. I can't say with any certainty if that will ever change, but I do feel in my heart that Christopher knows how much we love and miss him, and he has inspired so much love and touched so many lives all over the country--it's just amazing. I can't help but feel that even though he can't be with us, he is one very special little boy.

I love you, Little Man. I think of your sweet face constantly.